Soap Box

Quick Thought: 2

At some point on here I did a post like this. Where some of the random stuff in my head comes out on here. So, here are some of my thoughts in no order just as they pop in ...

Why is it nobody is sleeping through the night these days? Everywhere, people are talking about the lack of sleep. Wonder what the Universe is telling us.

I do not like Kate Gosselin's new hair style. Not that it matters but it looks like a wig. Did she grow it out because that was how Jon fell in love with her and now that they are not together she pulled a gotcha-see what you lost type of thing?

Carolyn tried to outrun the boys (on bikes) yesterday ... and fell. The lesson she got, don't play with the boys. The lesson I tried to teach, get back up.

I am hoping that this job that I applied for comes through. I would love it and well (to be honest) I would rock it.

Sometimes people think they are so deep and meaningful when really they are just a pain in the ass. And sometimes when I am being genuine people think I am really being an ass. I'm not, seriously.

Again ... I realize I have really amazing friends (who forgive me when I don't call all the time).

In-law update: My father-in-law has taken most of the blocks off me on Facebook. So now I can see his comments. AND he never did de-friend my dad (we thought he did and my dad never cleared that up with me until the post was published). Sorry for that. And in true fashion, I have once again freaked my mother-in-law out by sending a friend request to her. It's OK, I understand.

I really, really, really need to sit in the sun and have a person bring me drinks (no umbrella required for the drinks or me).

Since September, when I said I was going to cut back on TV and read, I have yet to crack open a book. I even have Ted Kennedy's book (thanks Jenni) but I have zero time to read and even less time to focus.

Missing my mom lately. With the job interviews and other random stuff in life I really need my mom to live next door. But my dad has filled in (all the way from Hartford) on a few occasions and the kids and I thank him for that!

I wish I knew how to cook more and enjoyed doing it.

Olympics: well, I loved them in the beginning of the weeks then they kinda got boring and I didn't even get to see the giant beaver in the closing ceremonies.

Carolyn beat me at bowling yesterday ... 70-68 ... what a sad showing. Maybe we should try curling.

Wondering if this summer I should join a new organization or if I should work on starting my own. I have some ideas on pieces that are missing in the world of activism/support groups/life as it relates to me, but not sure if I have the time or energy to put into starting a new group. See note about reading a book above.

I am holding my breath until June. Hurry and get here!

Bobby never stops making me smile, except when he is crying and won't sleep. He is just amazing and I am so happy he chose us to be with. We have waited a long time for him. My birth-mother always said there was a little boy waiting for us and now he is here. Thanks for that vision, Karen. He spends his day saying bob, bob, bob and has become our own version of a dog (eating anything on the floor and will crawl to get it).

I need to vacuum more, or get a job and a maid.

I am sick of treading water right now and need to have another piece in my future life fall into place. So either a job or the house selling or finishing the divorce. Any of those want to move in line for me this week? Please? (I will take the job first in case you are sending good thoughts into the world for me).

Happy Wednesday everyone ... as a funny side note ... I went to Campbell University (a Southern Baptist college) and our mascot was a camel and our real slogan was "where faith and learning excel" BUT another side slogan was "everyday is hump day" ... that always makes me laugh.

One Update: My friend, Mr. Clutter just reminded me, that if you like posts along these lines to checkout his blog: Clearing Out the Clutter. It is super funny and he posts about sports and music and politics and his life (as another only child). Thanks for the comments and support there Mr. Clutter!

At the 'nar

I spent my weekend with my computer. And about 60 other people ... inside the 'nar. I know, jealous! Or are you sitting there saying ... hhhhuuummmm ... 'nar.

That is therm I used to describe that I was inside a Webinar for the National NOW Board Meeting all weekend. And, it wasn't that bad! Seriously. I can complain about a bunch, you all know that. But I did not have any of the electronic problems that some did. I felt I was called upon when I raised my hand. I could understand what was happening. I really did not have any problems with the actual 'nar. It was kinda cool to be in this meeting with 60 other feminists and wonder just how many had pants on.

But here is the one funny (OK not funny to me) story I am going to report. Since it is about how I screwed up I feel perfectly happy sharing it!

I joined NOW back in ... oh, 1995 or 1996 (I think) when Patricia Ireland was President of the organization. PI, as she is know in the NOW circle, was my idol. I mean this was the woman for feminism in my mind. I thought her words were spun with gold, and I hung on each one. I got to meet PI when I worked for the Chicago Sun-Times in 2000. She was giving a speech at some college and I wrangled my editor to let me go and cover her. And she was kind and answered my question and I was floating on air ... for years about that one encounter - one that she would never remember.

It was awesome. 

So, in my many years since being involved with NOW, I have met PI and had my picture taken with her and all the things you do when you have an idol. She, just a quick note here, could probably never pick me out of a crowd. BUT  that didn't matter to me.

OK ... so yesterday.

PI is a member of NOW's Advisory Board and she is also a member of the sub-committee I am on, bylaws. And as you all know I love bylaws and laws and pretty much any statute that crosses my path. This was our first meeting with the newer members of the sub-committee, and it was via conference call. No looking at people. No being able to see who is doing what. Does anyone have pants on? - type of meeting. So I know two of the other people on the call, fairly well and they get my crazy sense of humor (BINGO!). The other two people were PI and a woman from the South, who was new to the Board and could never pick me out of the Universe.

So, someone on the call was coughing and it sounded pretty bad. Me, being my oh-so-wise-ass self, says: take it easy, Marion (the woman I know), don't hack up a lung!

Dead silence!
Not one word ...
And then,

This is Patricia, sorry about my coughing.

OH MY GODDESS ....
Yes, Erin you just insulted the woman you have idolized for a decade in one wise-ass comment.
Classic.

Now I am trying with every ounce I have to back up ... beep, beep, beep. I am so sorry, it's not that bad, no you do not have lung cancer, I thought it was someone else. Yes, I am mortified.

And I know that really, once you get to know me, face-to-face, sometimes you will think I am funny. And that I mean no harm by making these cracks. And then I realize, she is human, just like you and just like me and I am sure she has made her share of mistakes and inappropriate wise-cracks. Because what feminist hasn't?

And I chuckled to myself.

Because ... in the end, I had no technical problems with the 'nar but I am reminded just how important it is to have those face-to-face meetings. So, everyone can see me when I say inappropriate things.

Generations

Maybe we were sold a lie.
Or maybe we just believed it.
We thought if we could just hold on long enough it would happen.

That fairy tale from all our previous generations ...
The one that they all wanted ... or were told they did.

But I am starting to realize there are many women from my generation that are not happy. The amount of e-mails I continue to get from women, my age, who are no longer in love with their husbands is amazing. That doesn't mean they don't love their husbands, most still do, but there is this disconnect between them. A wanting of more. A waking up to the reality they are in.

Many have thanked me for writing, for being open and honest, for having the courage to move forward with my life. Most of the women I have heard from have told me they won't leave their husbands. And I smile at that answer. Who would want to stay with someone you are no longer "in" love with? We only get this chance once to be happy and alive or should I say we only remember this time around once.

And I bet if you really wanted to change you could too.
Baby steps.
Find one thing that gives you peace and make it happen ...
the rest will unfold naturally.

Didn't we learn from the women from the 50's who stayed in these passionless marriages. Or was it the women of the 60's who showed us how we should speak up for what we want but when we don't get it just start drinking by noon. Or the women of the 70's who started climbing that working ladder for the first time and we as kids, began to eat TV dinners. Or the women of the 80's who showed us divorce was the way for change. And those women of the 90's who started selling that work/life balance dream (more on that facade later).

But we are women of today ... my generation.

Women who never wanted to get divorced because we saw it firsthand. Women who work outside of the home and yet, still do most of the housework. Women who thought they would only love once and wasn't he the greatest partner, ever? Women who tried to accomplish everything just right. Women who are harder on ourselves then anyone else. Women who are powerful and loving and sexy and giving to everyone else except ourselves. Women who are an amazing combination of the 50's and 70's. Women of the 00's ... you never cease to intrigue me.

So, I will take my place in this generation. I will continue to write about my personal process because sometimes it is the best thing to know you are not alone. I am feeling it too. I find peace here when I write. It is my process. And I am only one voice from this generation. One person's perspective. One woman making her way through this messy life. I carry the burdens and the triumphs of the previous generations with me and maybe, if we are lucky, I will figure out life a little more for my daughter.

Because the next generation should be better then ours.

Blue Laws

I miss all of Massachusetts' old Blue Laws. OK, maybe not the buying alcohol one as much but I miss the day of rest. I think it is something we should check out again. In this 24/7 world I have been wondering where is our day of rest?

Yesterday was a day of non-rest for me. And it all started with the computer. Anyone who sends an e-mail, de-friends or comments on Facebook after 10pm on a Saturday night is obviously drinking. I was not (unfortunately), I was in bed with the kids on Saturday night. But on Sunday morning ... WHAM! I can't wake up like that anymore without coffee. It could and can all wait until Monday morning when I am already crabby.

So, I started thinking about Sundays when I was a kid. I was up early and dressed and arguing all for the sake of church. Every Sunday ... without fail ... church. Then we went home and did nothing too major. No shopping, no errands, no "to do" lists because nothing was open. I remember when they started opening stores on Sunday from 12-5 and what a huge deal that was. Then we stopped hanging out around the house and started trying to accomplish tasks on Sunday.

And just like that ... poof ... day of rest ... gone.

I think I am going to institute my own version of Blue Laws. No more computer on Sundays. No Facebook, no e-mails, no twitter, no blog stats, no computer. Yeah, this is going to be hard, but I have to break the 24/7 cycle. Reading, sleeping, puttering around the house, playing a game, taking a walk, movies, brunch, oh the things to do. Mainly reconnecting with myself and my family.

Do you think it will work? Well, probably not this weekend since I have a NOW Board Meeting Webinar to attend ... oh the coffee needed for that! But I am going to do it starting March 6. I will let you know how it is working, this reconnecting, this quiet, this Blue Law. At least I will no longer wake up on Sunday morning and feel the urge to get online ... maybe just roll over and sleep an extra hour ... if only the kids would let me!

To Friend or De-friend?

Facebook keeps suggesting I friend my mother-in-law since we have 8 friends in common and she is new to Facebook. I guess they didn't get the memo. Or maybe they just realize that she and I will be linked forever and why not be friends.

That is what we are going to have to do. My family and Eric's family. We, as the adults, are going to have to figure out how to be friends, if in no other way, than on Facebook. I want my kids to have a great relationship with their extended family and that means that one day we, adults, will have to be in the same space and not start a fight. Something we have a hard time doing now (going back to the infamous fight at The Fours in May of 2008).

But the differences we will need to overcome are pretty huge. The second my father-in-law heard about the divorce he de-friended me on Facebook and he blocked me so I can't see his comments or anything on Facebook. He also blocked me from following him on Twitter. *But the kicker is he also de-friended my father on Facebook. Yeah, because my 68 year-old dad is a threat.* (That last statement was incorrect, my dad just corrected me 2/21/10. My father and my father-in-law are still friends on Facebook. Sorry about that.) It's ok and really I just laugh at this. Now I have to get my Chicago sports updates online instead of from him (oh and the weather too). This is the level I have dealt with. Just as an example, my dad is still friends with Eric on Facebook and he comments regularly on Eric's activities with the kids.

Christmas was an interesting time here and I got to see the real difference between our families. Something I had known for awhile was proven correct. My aunts and uncles sent cards and gifts to both of us. They addressed things to both of us because Eric and I are still married and we still live together and he will always be part of their family. Obviously, Eric's extended family did not. It was like I died and nobody ever spoke of her again ... And that hurt. Because I like his extended family and I always thought of them and sent cards and called and tried. But there is the difference, loud and clear.

Interestingly, one of Eric's cousins friended me on Facebook the other day. I know she got the memo. But maybe there is hope that we can all get along. I will always be his ex-wife, I will always be in those photos from the weddings, I will always be Carolyn and Bobby's mother. You can't de-friend or not address me out of your lives. Even though at times I know we both would like to.

The fact is: We never got along. We never were what the other one wanted or needed. We, from the time I moved in with Eric out-of-wedlock, never respected each other. We never understood where the other was coming from. But now we have another chance to work together and be adults, something that will be hard. I know that Eric and I are the best parents for our children. And you need to accept that. And please put the feelings of your grand-children before your anger towards me.

I am going to take the first step in being an adult and an ex-wife.
I am going to friend my mother-in-law.
Another chapter is starting.

$308,000

I have been trying to figure out a formula to pay those that work the hardest job. There must be something out there that factors in experience, overtime, multi-tasking and mileage (on your car, not you). And one quick Google search later I found this site. So city of Quincy, I'll be nice and round it for you, but where's my $138,000 dollars for services rendered in 2009.

No worries, I'm not holding my breath.

But it got me thinking. And thinking about the highest office ... President. And what do we pay our leader, a whopping $400,0000. OK, public service, and giving to our country and blah blah. It is not enough. But what are we paying the top woman in our country?
Right ... nothing.
The self proclaimed Mom-in-Chief gets nothing in monetary value. But she does get judged and critiqued by the public, what more could she want? She got evaluated on her first year, she got criticized by many about her arms (and who cares) and she did her best to be mom in the fishbowl. THE hardest job in the country.

What would it look like if we paid the First Lady? I'm all for it. I don't care what political party you are from these women deserve a paycheck for what they do. And they do a lot (yes, even Barbara Bush did, ok maybe not with Katrina cuz last time I checked nobody thought living in the Astrodome was a good thing) every day, all day. And those First Ladies with children do double work.

And it is about time we as a nation acknowledge that. What if we paid her $308,000? You know not 100% of what the President makes but 77% since that is what women make compared to men. I think that is where to start. If we show that we value the work of the First Lady then how can we deny paying women for working at the hardest job? I would vote to pay the First Lady over the "bridge to nowhere." We need to put actions behind our words. And we need to value all jobs in this country, let's start with the hardest one.

Imagine if moms were paid.
Yeah, I know, what a dream ...