An Open Apology

I am sorry.

For the record I do not apologize often. Unless I really feel bad for what I did and need to move forward.

Six years ago I started down the path of motherhood. I worked days at a local hospital (Boston is filed with them) and my husband worked nights at the newspaper. We had a pretty good schedule juggling Carolyn and splitting most of the household duties. It was working with two jobs and a new baby.

That summer we went to visit family in Chicago. My sister-in-law had also had a baby early that year and she was a stay at home mom - now her full time job. I remember my brother-in-law and I were talking about life with the babies, working, how tiring it all was and he made a joke. He said "why is that I have to work all day and when I get home she expects me to help her with her job." And we both laughed and I said "I know right?".

I am sorry.

I never realized my feelings about stay at home mothers. My mom stayed home with me and I loved it. But I had always worked ... all the time. And when I was not working I was in Graduate school and holding an internship at the State House. I always had a job to define myself. I fought hard for the right to work after having a child. I have fought hard for adequate, affordable childcare. I thought it was an easy road to be a stay at home mom. I thought it was a step backward in the progress of the women's movement to stay at home.

Now, I understand.

For the first time in my life I am a stay at home mom. In certain company I say I am a kept woman - just for the laughs. I have a Master's degree, I have worked in some of the worst male dominated newsrooms, I have worked for politicians, I have worked construction, I have held a bunch of different jobs that are both physically and mentally challenging.

This by far is the hardest job I have ever had.
This hardest transition I have made.

This job starts for me at 7:30am and on a good day ends at 10:00pm. I have no job security, no union, no benefits, no breaks, no real mental stimulation and I never leave my job to rest. There are benefits to this job and I would not trade them for a minute but it is 24/7.

To all you guys who think that helping your wife out with the kids when you get home is not your job ... it is. The kids are 50% yours too and you get to leave your job, we don't. And for the record you are not babysitting the kids if they are biologically or legally 50% yours - stop saying that, it is degrading.

I will continue to fight for women to work, for childcare, for paid family leave, for social security benefits for all of the things that still make women unequal in the child raising arena. I will no longer judge you for staying at home and raising the next generation of powerful, mindful and equal daughters and sons.

It is up to us to change the views that society has on child raising. We can do this by how we raise our children, what we expect from our partners, and when we correct the joke that puts stay at home moms down. We need to make it the norm for men to also be the primary caregivers. It is happening, slowly. We need to stop the so called "mommy wars." There is no war when you are standing shoulder to shoulder supporting each other as we should.

It comes down to choices that women get to make.
Thank you for opening my eyes.

Comments

[Megan]

My mom was a stay-at-home mom. She drove me to school and picked me up (along with many friends) everyday until I had my own car. She made my lunch and a snack for me to have while doing my homework. She cooked us healthy dinners and special birthday breakfasts. She did all this, and so much more, but the traditional labor market never recognized it as work.

It may not be the path for me or a lot of other women, and I know that financially we were in a rare position to have the resources for her to choose to stay home, but I can't express how much it means to me that she did all of it. And now that she isn't well, it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

Thanks for the post, Erin.

[Jess Kemp]

Thank you!

[Rick Beato]

We all, men and women, young and old, see so clearly what we want to see if it happens to be right before our eyes and in our lives. Every one of us knows how much effort, how much time, how much beyond the minimum is involved in the things we do. I look back on teaching and coaching and I wonder sometimes who noticed. But then every once in a while, someone mentions that he or she noticed. It helps!
Most of us take our moms for granted (Mom was a stay-at-home mom until Maryan was well into school). But most of us remember what our Moms gave us. My mother is gold to me now, and I am pretty sure she knows it. You will be gold to Carolyn and Bobby some day, of that I am sure. And that does make it all worth while!

P.S. I know you are already gold to Eric, too.