Soap Box

Ugh ... Halloween

Not a fan of Halloween. I don't think ever.

Where I grew up, we did not go out trick-or-treating. I think it was during that candy scare back in the early 80's so they banned it in our town. Instead all the kids would go to the elementary school and each classroom was decorated and you could get candy. Some of the rooms were very spooky and scary. I did not like that.

I have tried to remember if I ever liked Halloween. I remember one year I was a princess and my mom made this satin pink gown and a tin-foil pointy crown with lace flowing from the top, I liked that. But overall I am not a fan.

I have a fear of masks and clowns and basically anything that covers someones face. I would not do well in the Middle East, having to cover up. I always think that if you cover your face you are hiding something and that freaks me out. It is also the fear of the unknown, like what is behind that mask? I have actually run away from clowns and forget pictures with Santa. The first picture with me and Santa, I was 7 and knew that he was not the real Santa, and I was held by my Dad (which seems to be a running theme).

So, on Halloween I pass out the candy while my husband takes Carolyn and now Bobby trick-or-treating. I sit outside (usually) drinking beer with my neighbor as we catch up on neighborhood gossip. It helps distract me from the 8 year olds with creepy scary masks. I realize I could crush them if need be but really even little ones with masks freak me out.

This year I have a Hannah Montana and little lion - no masks ever! And they seem to enjoy dressing up every year and planning for next year before this one is over. And I will continue to drink my beer to get through this awful holiday and pass out candy to all the little beggars. Because it will all be over after this weekend and the scary movie promos will stop and the creepy store decorations will go away and the kids will stop trying to scare me and then we can start on my next hated holiday ... Christmas!

The following are pictures of Carolyn through the years of Halloween.

2003 - costume from Grandma & Poppa

2003 - costume from Nana & Poppy

2004 - Big Bird

2004 - Big Bird

2005 - Dorothy

2005 - Dorothy

2006 - Dorothy (again!)

2007 - Jasmine

2008 - Wonder Woman

Words or Actions

I have always thought that actions were worse than words. Mainly because I am never that conscious about the words I choose. I just speak my mind and grab whichever word has popped in there first.

This is not always a good thing.
It seems words that I have chosen have hurt.
And I am sure this is not the first time, nor will it be the last.

The act of hurting someone or lifting then up is something that we can see, we can touch, it is right there in front of us. I am a firm believer in seeing something before I believe it. Words have many meanings and uses and while they are not always used for good a person could forget them. So that is why I have always been an action kind of girl. I forget conversations I had an hour ago. I do however, remember the good feelings years later.

I once read that it takes 10 acts of kindness to undo 1 act of meanness. That little fact has stuck, all these years. So, I make an effort to not act mean because I know I do not want to have to make 10 good acts for that 1 nasty one. That would take too much time, something I have little of these days. I am not always the best with the kids. Part of me hopes that they will not remember all of the bad actions I have done. Because I'm sorry doesn't always cut it.

I screw up, a lot. I pick the wrong words at the wrong time. And a lot of the time I don't know how to fix it. I try to use the right words to backtrack or smooth over those wrong ones but sometimes it is too late. Sometimes I forget the words I use minutes after using them. And sometimes I meant something different with that word but can't explain it. I know confusing, try being in a relationship with me.

So, I act. In all different ways to try and make it right again. Maybe I should become a woman of few words and many actions. OK, even that made me laugh. I will spend today thinking about the words I chose yesterday and the actions I can take tomorrow.

I learned that both actions and words can hurt.
And we all do it. And we can all forgive each other.
Tomorrow is another day to try again.

Socialization

One of the great things we as humans share is the need to eat. And over time it has changed from an act to provide sustenance to a way of socially interacting with each other.

My son, Bobby, has recently started down the path of eating solid foods. I realize I am doing this later than other parents (he is 5 months old) but I figured he didn't even know what he was missing.

At his 4 month check-up I spoke with Dr. Vonnegut about when to start him on cereal and as Vonnegut said ... "whenever, it is the act of socialization not the nutritional value that we feed our children cereal." He is right, of course, Bobby gets all his nutrients from the formula he chugs down 4 times a day.

So, a few weeks ago we started the rice cereal or should I say the act of socialization. This weekend I broke out Nana's Applesauce recipe. She wrote it for me in 2003 when I started making food for Carolyn. Funny ... I believe in formula but not in jarred baby food, so I make everything from scratch for the kids.

Bobby tried the applesauce and seems to like it well enough. But he is not dowering it like his sister did 6 years ago. Today, I decided to take some pictures of Bobby's socialization and my daily life. For both fun and for the record.

Hard to believe we all started out roughly the same way; sharing food, socializing, learning new things and relying on each other.

 
 

 

Hit a Nerve

It seems my recent posts about NOW have hit a nerve.
And I think that is a good thing.
The question is: what are we to do now?

Some people think I was just talking about actions, the Equality March (which I would have loved to attend, but alas, I was in a grievance hearing) or only young feminists. I was not. I think we are at a turning point, a point where we can lead or follow. A point where we can embrace the future and adjust our path to encompass it or stay stagnate on the same beaten path. The choice is ours.

I love activism and I have been reminded about this all week. I received many personal e-mails from my NOW friends agreeing with me, saying that things need to change, reminding me to stay in there and look everyone in the eye. So I will do that. I will also rethink how I chose to use my activism.

The last few weeks have been an eye opener for me as I evaluate my life and the choices I have made along the way. My activism is a big part of my life and I love it and do not want to lose it. My favorite part is talking to people, figuring out what inspires them, seeing that optimism in their eyes. I live for that.

A few weeks ago I spoke about "Back to Basics" for the feminist movement. I too, am going to take that advice and return to basics in my life, in my activism and with my kids. Everything is not that hard. I am looking to the other leaders and officers to see how they define their activism, run a National Organization, or just live the core values of feminism.

We all have a job to do. And I am not walking away.
I will continue to shine the spotlight on what I believe are injustices both inside and outside our organization. Driving the discussion and making all of us think about our roles in the movement.
Basics, plain and simple. It all starts with the truth - to ourselves, each other and the next generation.

Lovin' Your Body

Today is one of my favorite days.
It is Love Your Body Day.

This NOW campaign always makes me smile because of all the great jokes that come from this slogan. And the list of comments are huge and yes, I will be lovin my body today. It is really one of the best campaigns to come from NOW in a while. And it speak to all generations of women and girls.

Personally, the only part of my body that I love is my hands. The rest of me I would like to change - which is the entire point of this campaign. To love all of your body. I see the body image issue starting so young. My 6 year-old once asked me if her outfit made her look fat. I almost died!

That is the point, start talking while they are young, by education and positive reinforcement, we can impact their lives. I have finally figured out that "perfect" is never achieved. It took me years to get to this point. We as mothers have an obligation to lift our daughters up and not expect perfection but to instill in them their beauty both inside and out.

So today, Love Your Body - all of it. Find that one part of you that you would never change and celebrate that. And if you have a daughter or niece or sister let them know just how beautiful they are to you and help them find that one part that they love. Next year add on that with another part of them. And by the time they are in high school they will love their body and accept it for the amazing, beautiful, sexy and ideal being they are.

Lesbian in a Tux?

I have always loved clothes. Not as much as I love shoes, but I always thought that what you wear speaks to who you are and how you feel.
Freedom of expression, right?

Today, my 6 year-old is wearing jeans with jewels on the pockets and she feels like her inner Hannah Montana is singing. And it is 2009, so some part of everyone wants to be seen in their own way - crazy hair, jeans around your knees, whatever.

That is why I am confused. I read about a young woman (on FaceBook) in Mississippi who will not have her high school picture in the yearbook. Why? Because they have a school policy from the 1950's. All young women are to be photographed in a drape and all young men are to wear a tux.

This sounds sexist and conforming and old school.

Ceara Sturgis chose to wear a tux in her formal high school yearbook photo instead of the 1950's drape and the principal refused to allow the picture into the pages of his yearbook. And now there is a fight.

Here is the catch, she's a lesbian.
And yes everyone knows, including her parents.
And they support her.

The funny part is that this could all go away, very easily, and nobody would even know. But instead this principal and now this superintendent have drawn a line in the sand and they are not backing down. Now the ACLU is involved and the idea of protests are being tossed around and lawsuits and it is picking up national news, all because this young woman chose to wear what the boys wear. I would think that the school district has bigger things to contend with, but I might be mistaken.

In 2009 a policy needs to be changed (I love policy) to reflect the century that we are living in. And the new policy needs to be introduced to the school committee, now. What I wore in my high school yearbook photo would spin heads in this little school district. It was 1992 and see through tops were in then, I swear. Women should not have to wear a drape and men should not have to wear a tux - period, end of sentence.

But changing a policy takes time and she is graduating this year.
So what is an activist to do? As my NOW sisters would say ... act!

Write, e-mail or call - you can check out this sample letter at Unity Mississippi or check out the Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition for more information on this. I know that each of you can spare 5 minutes to help out Ceara as she takes a stand against this discriminating policy. Let these men in Mississippi hear our progressive, lesbian, Democrat, gay, bi-sexual, and liberal voices from around the country.

Contact:
Ronald Greer, Principal, Wesson Attendance Center
1048 Grove Street, Wesson, MS 39191
601-643-2221
rdgreer@copiah.k12.ms.us

Superintendent Ricky Clopton
Copiah County School District Offices
254 West Gallatin Street, Hazlehurst, MS 39083
601-894-1341
rclopton@copiah.k12.ms.us

Shock and Awe

I was in shock for days, now I am just in awe.

I am so angry at the tactics that some feminists use to get what they want. And they are slowing killing the movement one person at a time. In the last few days I watched as two women under 30 years old resigned from leadership positions in NOW.

Let me repeat that.
NOW lost two leaders, who are under 30, in the last week.

Did this faze any of our current officers, nope. Was there outrage and concern from the Board, nope. Did the Young Feminist Task Force issue a statement to our leaders, nope. What there was, was a reminder for all of us Board members to not distribute financial information to non-NOW leaders.

Again, I think we have a problem.
Using Republican strategy is not the answer.
And I am pissed.

I am in awe as I watch them destroy and discredit smart, enthusiastic young women. And they have set their sites on the next one. Slowly they will begin the abuse, through e-mail, through their words and actions until she is at a breaking point and leaves.

There are only a few of us, leaders, under the age of 40. There are only a few of us who have not been around for decades in this organization. There are only a few of us who believe that following rules, educating men, and working from both the inside and outside of the political structure is the only way to create lasting equality.

The next generation of feminists are leaving your organization and I suspect more will follow. I bet they have been taught that abuse in any fashion is not okay. I bet they think they can change the world. And I bet they once would have given you awards and kudos for your work, now they just shake their heads at you.

You have an amazing opportunity to stop this harassment.
You have the chance to change this organization for the better.
I wonder if you are a leader or a follower.

My Weekend with Feminists

It has taken me four days to decompress from my weekend in D.C.
Four days to comprehend and deconstruct what I witnessed.

When I arrived back at Logan Airport, greeted by my family, I launched into this long, strung-out sentence of what happened. At the moment I took a breath (about 15 minutes from the airport) my husband asked me his first question.

"What did you do to advance equality for women and girls this weekend?"

There was a long pause as I flipped through files and conversations in my mind.

Well, we endorsed the Equality March and had activists there marching. Oh, so the President of NOW was there speaking about the importance of equality? No, she was in a grievance hearing. Then someone else was there speaking about how important it is? No, we just endorsed it and had some people there and some NOW rounds (which were cool but had the incorrect rainbow flag on it - FYI, the color red does not go on the bottom and the top).

"As a dues paying member of this organization why are we sending you to D.C.? To set policy? To recruit members? To do what exactly?"

I was stumped. I know why I ran for the National Board and I know that I strongly believe in NOW's core values (except not 100% with the ERA). I ran to try and make our Northeast Region a more cohesive unit, so that we could rely on each others' state to help out. With our dwindling membership numbers, I ran to engage and educate young girls on the importance of the women's movement. I ran to ensure that our National Office was following our bylaws and advancing the women's movement throughout our country. I ran because I am a younger feminist with a different view on the state of our movement.

What I witnessed this weekend was anything but those reasons.

For starters, the demographics in the room was shocking. I, at 35, was one of the younger members present. That should scare everyone around that table but it doesn't. Out of the about 50 women in the room roughly 10 of us were 40 years old or younger. That is a dying organization if I ever saw one. The funny thing is they like it this way. The older women like to hold the power and want to keep the numbers unbalanced. They have perfected a cutting way to put younger feminists down and I watched them do it over and over.

I exchanged words with one of our older feminists who thought she could put me in my place with a quick comment to shut me up. Instead, I waited until she was done with her conversation and spoke with her. After I apologized three times for answering the question that was not posed to me and informing her that I did not appreciate the way she spoke to me, she finally apologized as well. Point for me.

I love laws, all kinds, bylaws, federal laws and state laws. I think laws are what holds a society together in a functioning manner. I watched vote after vote as members thought that passing a non-binding resolution to comply with our laws was not worth our time. I watched as they insulted other members of the board. I watched as we were pitted our side vs. theirs. When it comes to following a law there are no sides except right and lawsuit or jail.

Excuses don't work for me. As a mother, journalist, and former political aid I have heard them all. Really. If you can't read your e-mail then we have a bigger problem than declineing membership numbers, lack of income and no staff. We have a leadership problem. There are basic things that I expect from leaders and responding to your constituents is the biggest thing you can do. It is how you get re-elected, it is how you uphold the campaign promises you made, it is how you show that you do care about the grassroots. You have an obligation to all of us, members of this organization, to respond truthfully everytime you are asked a question. Period.

So, I spent my weekend watching people run a meeting that had no idea how to follow Robert's Rules. I spent a weekend watching an organization that I love be infiltrated by people who think that using the word Lesbian or Abortion is wrong. I spent a weekend having to argue for basic information.

And when it was all over I felt like I was hit by a train.
And I know I am not the only one who feels like this.

Why do I keep banging my head on this door? Because one day they will all be gone and I will be the older feminist around the table. One day I will be able to welcome my younger sisters into this organization and build them up, instead of tearing them down. One day we will all get it through our heads that it is not about power or an election or experience, it is about advancing the women's movement for generations to come.

I am still recovering from the mean spirited and angry women that I once called my sisters. I will always love the movement and be committed to it. I will not sit quietly by and watch you destroy what my mentors have created. I will show up everytime and be counted and be heard and look you in the eye.

I am slowly returning to the land of the living.
Next time, I will take a vacation after our National Board meeting.

Change in the Weather

When I woke this morning it was rainy and gloomy and cold.

I was planning on writing about death and loss. Because that is where my head was at. I sat to write and started to and then just stopped.

I, for the first time in months, stopped. I held my son as he napped in my arms and the sun came out. I stopped and watched him sleep. I watched him dream and dreamed for him. I had a million things to do and a hundred projects started and I just stopped.

And I tuned out the fighting, the misspoken words, the hurt feelings, the battles, the deadlines and death. Back to basics: smiling, sleeping, eating and dreaming. Simple things. It took the thought of death to remind me that life is simple and we can't always control it. We can't make stupid people smart, we can't stop people from hurting and we can't fight every battle.

The sun came out and I am smiling.
Death and gloom and clouds and cold will have to wait one more day.

Feminism Under 30

I wonder what makes you want to go out and protest?
What makes you believe, to the bottom of your being, that you have to stand up and be counted?

I know young women still protest. We had a great showing at the NOW rally yesterday, where NOW counters the anti-choice march in Boston. I went once with my daughter, years ago. There are still people out there who march. My father marched in Hartford opposing the death penalty yesterday. People still stand up to be heard.

The line around the Planned Parenthood (PP) booth always amazes me. Young people lined up, giving their e-mail addresses, just for a free condom. I don't get it. Is it that you get something for free, it is that it has to do with sex, is it that PP is cool? Why is it that PP can attract hundreds of young kids and NOW can't?

PP marketed their message to younger people while NOW has chosen to market the ERA. PP also counts these young people on their membership roles, while none of them pay dues. So they again get something for free. I attended an organization fair for all the area college students in Boston, last September, on behalf of NOW. Out of the hundreds of students I talked with, three, yes three, knew of NOW and what we stood for.

National, we have a problem ...

So what gets these young women and men excited? I am not sure but I think it starts with talking to them, on their level. Stop yelling at them. How would they know about women's history, we never taught them. We never inspired them. Thinking outside of the box is not something NOW women do very well. In part because our by-laws are ridiculous and antiquated.

My suggestion would be to get rid of the strict rules. Let these young folks join for nothing. Get them inspired, get them engaged, get them excited about their future with the organization. We need to give them a reason to stick around, to go out and protest. And things need to be free for them.

This week I am gearing up for National NOW's Board meeting, where we will sit around a table and talk in circles, get paranoid that someone else has the power, and watch as our core values are whittled away in the name of politics. Will we talk about a new marketing, nope, will we talk about re-branding, nope, will we talk about policy papers and driving the debate, nope, will we talk about technology, possibly. At the end, it all will remain the same. Because change is a scary thing.

Back to Basics: Abortion, LGBTQI Rights, Women Leaders, Equal Pay

That is what we need to focus on. A big campaign that utilizes the internet. That attracts young people to sign up and act. Money is important to continue moving the machine and raw numbers will attract donors. It is a fact. Dean did it, Obama did it, Move On does it. Let's take a page from those playbooks and stop pissing around.

Under 30 is something every organization is striving to obtain.
The most wanted generation.
That is our lifeblood.

Conception

The moment of conception holds a different meaning for many people. Some believe it is when life starts. Some believe it is when their lives change. And some believe they can pinpoint the moment they conceived. Conception is the moment we are faced with ourselves, our inner most self.

I do not believe life begins at the moment of conception. I believe life begins when you take your first breath. No shocker there for anyone who knows me. And for the record I can't pinpoint the moment I conceived with any of my kids.

I do know the moment I was conceived. I, like millions of other people, was conceived in a car. The make and model I do not know but I would assume nothing to fancy.

They were both sophomores in college and met through his older brother in a bar (I think). She was attending Smith College and he UMass-Amherst. He was the youngest of nine, she the oldest of two. Both good Irish-Catholics both with the same last name, Murphy. Both were just having fun as every person should before they venture into adulthood.

So, I was conceived in a car at the Ox-Bow Marina. Whose slogan reads: "More than a boat dealer... The Ox-Bow Marina is truly a family boating resort." They aren't kidding!

I know it is not what either of them wanted.
And she had to tell him.
And he ran.

She told her parents, this good Irish-Catholic, A student, over-achieving young women and their relationship was never the same. And she finished her sophomore year at Smith and then was sent to a home for unwed women to have their babies. She spent the summer there until my birth.

I was the mark on her parents' perfect life.
And people wonder why I hate the word perfect ...

He knows he has a daughter somewhere out here in this world. He knows he ran. He knows he begged her to have an abortion. He, I bet, has never admitted any of this to himself. One day I will surprise him, when I am ready for rejection again, I will remind him. He can't run forever.

She ran after college. She ran until she hit the water on the opposite coast. She made choices, many at the moment of conception, some with different outcomes. None that she regrets. And none that I have ever judged.

We all have made choices at that moment. That moment our lives change. The moment that marks are left on our bodies and souls. The moment that defines who we are in this world and the way we live our lives.

I am happy with my outcome and the outcomes I have chosen.
I hope one day she can forgive herself for not being perfect.
I know I have.

Love/Hate with Women

We always seem to get in our own way.
No matter what the task is, I see it.
Everything gets in our way.

We, women, are not good at everything especially working together and supporting each other. It pisses me off at times. Seeing younger women put their heart and hard work out there only to be judged and criticized by other women who have been around a little bit longer kills me. The cycle never breaks. Didn't any of us learn to stop the cycle in therapy? God knows we all go to therapy to deal with each other. Next time we should remember what we learned and paid all that money for.

It happens in all walks of life: motherhood, board rooms, state houses, law firms, organizations, start-ups and everywhere else. And I can't figure out what we gain from it. I know you get a little boost when you can put someone down, put them in their place, but is it worth it?

I remember women doing it to me. Some where older and some where and are my peers. I know I have done it. And when I have spent hours wondering why I have done it I think it is because we are not taught anything else by those we are mentored by. Each person stepping on the next to make it through that tiny crack. Why? Wouldn't you rather walk next to each other?

We also need to get better at what I call "ten words." If you can't explain something in ten words you have lost the person you are talking to. Seriously, it is a fact. That is why the Republicans have such a following, they can nail a line in ten simple words that get to the heart of their debate.

Women and Democrats are different. We like to explain the thought process, look for every option, make sure we are making the correct decision. Just do it, is not in our vocabulary. The process is a killer. And it takes so long to get there. It took Massachusetts 16 years to get another Democratic Governor. Way too long. I agree that everything needs to be thought out, that the process is sometimes the best part, that we will have a better product at the end of the day, but we need to support each other and do it quicker!

I love working with women, I find it empowering.
Now, I choose whom I want to work with.
And at the end of the day, it is always with a group of women.