Am I Out?

This is my hardest post to write. Not because of the content but because of the reaction. I think the fear of the unknown is the worst kind of fear. But I am just going to write and get it out of my head and move on with my life. I am smiling and calm (which I am totally surprised about) about the following words and I have Courage...

Hours.
We were down to hours.
After I had waited almost 3 years. And these hours were the hardest. I analyzed every move. I wasn't sure if it was real. I just kept talking, trying to figure it all out. And then I realized I couldn't figure it out in one night and I had to find out if what I felt was real or just something I was missing. And then out of nowhere I did it.

I kissed her.
And it was right and beautiful and soft.

We often talk about that night and how hard it was for me. She says it was a beautiful thing to watch but I disagree, I think I sounded ridiculous. She never pushed, she never gave an opinion about my situation, she just listened and that was amazing to me. I would ask, what should I do? And she would just smile and tell me I had to figure it out, she couldn't influence my decision. So after many months I am happy to say I have figured it out.

This was not something either of us were looking for. I never wanted to fall in love with the biggest, out, activist, lesbian in Mississippi and she wasn't looking for love with a married woman with two kids from Massachusetts who, oh yeah, was straight. But it happened. And I am not scared anymore to say it.

So am I a lesbian? Well, I don't know. I have come to hate the labels we need to put on people. I love both men and women and I find them both attractive. But I have chosen to be with her, completely, because she is the one I can't wait to hear from at the end of the day. Y'all can put me in whatever category you want, just not bi-sexual please. Eric asked if I was coming out today and I answered no because I was never in. I am just me. A woman who loves another woman. And that is beautiful. And I am lucky to have it.

This is a hard thing for everyone. I am not jumping in with both feet and eyes closed. My eyes are open. I see a future and it is with her and the kids. Will it work? Well, I have no idea. I don't think anyone ever knows if anything will work forever, because forever is impossible. But I am going to give it a chance with my whole heart. I am not running from it anymore.

I don't know how everyone will react to this. I can't wonder or be concerned. I have received a high-five in the middle of a cafe and a "I can see that" when I have told some friends. I have only received one shocked/stunned face and that was pretty funny. The judgment and the gossip and the drama that can and probably will swirl around this is about you, not her and I. The truth is amazing and I am finally embracing it.

This journey I am on is not over nor is this chapter complete. I will still have many firsts and questions and battles inside of my head. I haven't figured it all out. I haven't ever been to a gay bar. I haven't been judged because I was kissing a woman. I don't know how to do this. But I do know that somewhere along this path I fell in love with her, and I am happy with her, and she is standing beside me, helping me figure all of this out. We are fortunate to have this and each other.

I never thought this would be my path.
Choice is powerful except when you don't have it.
Love just happens and I am blessed to have had it twice.
And I am at peace and calm because my inner fight has stopped.

Comments

[Jessica]

Happy, smiling and tears of shock and amazement.

[Colin]

Erin, you rock. I'm proud to be your friend.