Soap Box

Generations

Maybe we were sold a lie.
Or maybe we just believed it.
We thought if we could just hold on long enough it would happen.

That fairy tale from all our previous generations ...
The one that they all wanted ... or were told they did.

But I am starting to realize there are many women from my generation that are not happy. The amount of e-mails I continue to get from women, my age, who are no longer in love with their husbands is amazing. That doesn't mean they don't love their husbands, most still do, but there is this disconnect between them. A wanting of more. A waking up to the reality they are in.

Many have thanked me for writing, for being open and honest, for having the courage to move forward with my life. Most of the women I have heard from have told me they won't leave their husbands. And I smile at that answer. Who would want to stay with someone you are no longer "in" love with? We only get this chance once to be happy and alive or should I say we only remember this time around once.

And I bet if you really wanted to change you could too.
Baby steps.
Find one thing that gives you peace and make it happen ...
the rest will unfold naturally.

Didn't we learn from the women from the 50's who stayed in these passionless marriages. Or was it the women of the 60's who showed us how we should speak up for what we want but when we don't get it just start drinking by noon. Or the women of the 70's who started climbing that working ladder for the first time and we as kids, began to eat TV dinners. Or the women of the 80's who showed us divorce was the way for change. And those women of the 90's who started selling that work/life balance dream (more on that facade later).

But we are women of today ... my generation.

Women who never wanted to get divorced because we saw it firsthand. Women who work outside of the home and yet, still do most of the housework. Women who thought they would only love once and wasn't he the greatest partner, ever? Women who tried to accomplish everything just right. Women who are harder on ourselves then anyone else. Women who are powerful and loving and sexy and giving to everyone else except ourselves. Women who are an amazing combination of the 50's and 70's. Women of the 00's ... you never cease to intrigue me.

So, I will take my place in this generation. I will continue to write about my personal process because sometimes it is the best thing to know you are not alone. I am feeling it too. I find peace here when I write. It is my process. And I am only one voice from this generation. One person's perspective. One woman making her way through this messy life. I carry the burdens and the triumphs of the previous generations with me and maybe, if we are lucky, I will figure out life a little more for my daughter.

Because the next generation should be better then ours.

Blue Laws

I miss all of Massachusetts' old Blue Laws. OK, maybe not the buying alcohol one as much but I miss the day of rest. I think it is something we should check out again. In this 24/7 world I have been wondering where is our day of rest?

Yesterday was a day of non-rest for me. And it all started with the computer. Anyone who sends an e-mail, de-friends or comments on Facebook after 10pm on a Saturday night is obviously drinking. I was not (unfortunately), I was in bed with the kids on Saturday night. But on Sunday morning ... WHAM! I can't wake up like that anymore without coffee. It could and can all wait until Monday morning when I am already crabby.

So, I started thinking about Sundays when I was a kid. I was up early and dressed and arguing all for the sake of church. Every Sunday ... without fail ... church. Then we went home and did nothing too major. No shopping, no errands, no "to do" lists because nothing was open. I remember when they started opening stores on Sunday from 12-5 and what a huge deal that was. Then we stopped hanging out around the house and started trying to accomplish tasks on Sunday.

And just like that ... poof ... day of rest ... gone.

I think I am going to institute my own version of Blue Laws. No more computer on Sundays. No Facebook, no e-mails, no twitter, no blog stats, no computer. Yeah, this is going to be hard, but I have to break the 24/7 cycle. Reading, sleeping, puttering around the house, playing a game, taking a walk, movies, brunch, oh the things to do. Mainly reconnecting with myself and my family.

Do you think it will work? Well, probably not this weekend since I have a NOW Board Meeting Webinar to attend ... oh the coffee needed for that! But I am going to do it starting March 6. I will let you know how it is working, this reconnecting, this quiet, this Blue Law. At least I will no longer wake up on Sunday morning and feel the urge to get online ... maybe just roll over and sleep an extra hour ... if only the kids would let me!

To Friend or De-friend?

Facebook keeps suggesting I friend my mother-in-law since we have 8 friends in common and she is new to Facebook. I guess they didn't get the memo. Or maybe they just realize that she and I will be linked forever and why not be friends.

That is what we are going to have to do. My family and Eric's family. We, as the adults, are going to have to figure out how to be friends, if in no other way, than on Facebook. I want my kids to have a great relationship with their extended family and that means that one day we, adults, will have to be in the same space and not start a fight. Something we have a hard time doing now (going back to the infamous fight at The Fours in May of 2008).

But the differences we will need to overcome are pretty huge. The second my father-in-law heard about the divorce he de-friended me on Facebook and he blocked me so I can't see his comments or anything on Facebook. He also blocked me from following him on Twitter. *But the kicker is he also de-friended my father on Facebook. Yeah, because my 68 year-old dad is a threat.* (That last statement was incorrect, my dad just corrected me 2/21/10. My father and my father-in-law are still friends on Facebook. Sorry about that.) It's ok and really I just laugh at this. Now I have to get my Chicago sports updates online instead of from him (oh and the weather too). This is the level I have dealt with. Just as an example, my dad is still friends with Eric on Facebook and he comments regularly on Eric's activities with the kids.

Christmas was an interesting time here and I got to see the real difference between our families. Something I had known for awhile was proven correct. My aunts and uncles sent cards and gifts to both of us. They addressed things to both of us because Eric and I are still married and we still live together and he will always be part of their family. Obviously, Eric's extended family did not. It was like I died and nobody ever spoke of her again ... And that hurt. Because I like his extended family and I always thought of them and sent cards and called and tried. But there is the difference, loud and clear.

Interestingly, one of Eric's cousins friended me on Facebook the other day. I know she got the memo. But maybe there is hope that we can all get along. I will always be his ex-wife, I will always be in those photos from the weddings, I will always be Carolyn and Bobby's mother. You can't de-friend or not address me out of your lives. Even though at times I know we both would like to.

The fact is: We never got along. We never were what the other one wanted or needed. We, from the time I moved in with Eric out-of-wedlock, never respected each other. We never understood where the other was coming from. But now we have another chance to work together and be adults, something that will be hard. I know that Eric and I are the best parents for our children. And you need to accept that. And please put the feelings of your grand-children before your anger towards me.

I am going to take the first step in being an adult and an ex-wife.
I am going to friend my mother-in-law.
Another chapter is starting.

$308,000

I have been trying to figure out a formula to pay those that work the hardest job. There must be something out there that factors in experience, overtime, multi-tasking and mileage (on your car, not you). And one quick Google search later I found this site. So city of Quincy, I'll be nice and round it for you, but where's my $138,000 dollars for services rendered in 2009.

No worries, I'm not holding my breath.

But it got me thinking. And thinking about the highest office ... President. And what do we pay our leader, a whopping $400,0000. OK, public service, and giving to our country and blah blah. It is not enough. But what are we paying the top woman in our country?
Right ... nothing.
The self proclaimed Mom-in-Chief gets nothing in monetary value. But she does get judged and critiqued by the public, what more could she want? She got evaluated on her first year, she got criticized by many about her arms (and who cares) and she did her best to be mom in the fishbowl. THE hardest job in the country.

What would it look like if we paid the First Lady? I'm all for it. I don't care what political party you are from these women deserve a paycheck for what they do. And they do a lot (yes, even Barbara Bush did, ok maybe not with Katrina cuz last time I checked nobody thought living in the Astrodome was a good thing) every day, all day. And those First Ladies with children do double work.

And it is about time we as a nation acknowledge that. What if we paid her $308,000? You know not 100% of what the President makes but 77% since that is what women make compared to men. I think that is where to start. If we show that we value the work of the First Lady then how can we deny paying women for working at the hardest job? I would vote to pay the First Lady over the "bridge to nowhere." We need to put actions behind our words. And we need to value all jobs in this country, let's start with the hardest one.

Imagine if moms were paid.
Yeah, I know, what a dream ...

Reactions and "Friends"

You know when you see someone's name pop up in your in box, your stomach flips or you get excited or you dread reading that e-mail. Reactions to people are so interesting. There are some people I can't wait to hear from and others, well, wouldn't it be nice if you could hide them from your newsfeed, just like you can with Facebook.

Over time your friends change just like you do. And when you get to know people better you may wish you had never invited them into your life in the first place. I got a message today from someone I thought was a friend and realized (during my friendship with her) that really in the end, power and control was all that she wanted and I was just another rock in her pile. And the minute I saw her name the anxiety and the fear of the unexpected washed over me. I hate that!

Over the last year I have taken stock in many things that surround my life, including those that I call friend. And I have expected those that were my friends to step up after my last few months. So many have, with hugs I can feel through the wires. In fact, I have been stunned by some of the reactions I have received, people out of nowhere. It has warmed my heart and eased my mind. Thank you! But the friends, the people I expected to acknowledge my life changes, are not around and I suspect are running from the changes. Expectations are hard to match or maybe I expect too much.

I got an odd e-mail the other day from an older feminist woman I know (although not that well and I always thought she did not like me) about a post on the blog. We exchanged a few e-mails and in the end after I thanked her for sending the kind words, she sent me this: "Erin, don't expect to hear from many you'll only be disappointed."

WOW!

That was a wake up call. And I am listening. I never thought so many could be only into themselves and not offer a kind word but I guess that is our culture. That is easier. It is easier to focus on yourself and the past than to expand yourself to others and the future.

One of the things I am coming to understand is that there are no "sides." You are not picking Eric over me nor past relationships over the current one nor vice versa. You are just a friend and friends reach out to others in their life. For example ... Eric and I are friends with another couple, we just adore them and cherish both of their friendships, this week Eric is going out with the husband and next week I am going out with the wife. Neither has chosen a side they just offered a hand, a shoulder, a phone call.

This is the start of a new year. How's yours going?

I have always tried to be the best person I can. I am not perfect and know I have made many mistakes. I have sent cards when you are sick, I have paid my fair share of the meal, I have made the phone call (even though it was weeks late) to check on you, I have tried to be a good friend, always.

So, as we start another year together, I ask all of you, are you? Are you being the best friend to the people you care about in your life? Because the year is young and life has a funny way of throwing things at you. An e-mail takes seconds, a call minutes, lunch an hour, drinks ... well that depends.

I guess I am awake and the veil is gone. I am cleaning house. All of those people who create anxiety in my life, please go! All of those people I never expected to bring a smile to my face, welcome! I realize now that I don't need the 467 "friends," I just need the handful I have. Because they have my back and offer a smile or kind word.

And that is friend you can't wait to hear from.

Sick Days

How do stay-at-home moms get a sick day?
Well, they don't.
And I am sick.

There has been a weird thing around this house, ear infections, pink eye, coughing, and a sore throat. It got so bad for Eric that he stayed home from work Tuesday and Wednesday to get himself better. And he is. After sleeping and relaxing reading his book and having soup made and not dealing with the kids ... he is better.

I have been sick since before I went to Jackson, in fact I even went to a doctor, that is how crappy I have been feeling. And now that I am home I am still sick and today it is worse. So who gets to take care of the kids so I can sleep? Who is going to clean the house for our 3:30 showing today? Who is going to do my "to do" list so I can relax. Nobody.

And that is a problem. Moms get sick because they are with the germ carrying kids all day and they don't really ever get better until Spring comes and the windows open. So what am I to do? My "to do" list of course, and everything that needs to happen and push myself until tears come out of my eyes because I can't carry the baby one more step. And then do it all over again tomorrow but let's toss a job interview in there for some fun.

Everyone is complaining about the health care bill, all the little pieces of it and who pays for what. How about a sick day for a mom who gets no time off? How about paying for a nanny to watch the kids for the day so I can relax and rest and get better so I can do my job. How about we stop telling America that being a stay-at-home mother is the hardest job and we start showing America that we get that and give us moms a break ... you know, when we are sick and all.

I am sick and have been since about September. I do not have the flu, I do not have a virus, I have a cold that never leaves because I can never rest. I can't wait to go to work, so that I can also have a sick day and maybe get better.

Weather, Flights and a Republican

Flying used to be such a joy. You would get food, an actual meal, on your flight. To me it always felt like a luxury. That was until about 5 years ago. Now flying is a chore. It may be because I fly much more often these days that I think of it as a chore and not a fun adventure. But the airlines just seem to not care anymore.

When did weather become so hard to navigate through? I understand that storms will cause havoc but my recent run-in with Southwest was beyond! I was scheduled to fly out on Monday from Jackson and after my flight was delayed more than 5 hours and I would have missed my connection in Baltimore, I was booked on the next flight home ... Tuesday 9am. OK, I could handle that and still make my job interview.

Then out of nowhere my phone rang, and the flight was canceled.

So after a minor melt-down we called the airline and 3 hours later I had a new flight ... Jackson to Houston to St. Louis to Boston. Home by 11:20pm after leaving at 1:15pm. Oh. My. Goddess! OK, at least I was getting home before the storm hit Boston. But why was it so hard and long to figure that out.

The kicker was, of course, my flights were delayed so much that I would have missed my connection from St. Louis to Boston thus leaving me in Missouri ... not good. Once I landed in Houston I was off to see the gate checker person to help. And she was wonderful. Already had a new travel stop for me, Dallas. And it was boarding NOW! Do not pass go, get on the flight!

OK ... So Houston to Dallas, 42 minutes. Then Dallas to St. Louis and that is where my friend Al thought it would be great to sit next to me and talk. My day was not stressful enough, right? I got to sit next to Al the Republican, from Texas, who loves Bushy and Palin.

Kill me now ...

He thought it would be great to talk politics since I was a policy analyst from Massachusetts. He loves Scott Brown, and isn't it great. Really? I know Scott Brown and I'm not sure it's "great" and no I am not thrilled. More about how bad Obama is, how great and needed the wars are, how we found WMDs in Iraq, 2 houses he owned, homeland security, the golf cart he purchased for $7K, taxes (he thinks a flat tax would be better than an income tax), money, yachts, revenge on his ex-wife for leaving him when he had no money, twins in college, and my favorite Palin. UGH!

And then I got him. When he asked (the few) questions about my life ... divorce, job, kids ... he wanted to know what I was doing flying so much today. I told him I was trying to get home from visiting my girlfriend in Jackson. That stopped him in his political dribble, and his mouth fell open in utter shock. Now we moved into his past dating relationship, or as he called it "man" thoughts. Really, I did not need to know or hear about or anything in your past. Just because I am with a woman does not mean all women want that nor is it a fantasy for us to fulfill for you.

Really ... Just kill me.

I could not wait to be off the flight and hear anything that was feminist or liberal or that used more than one brain cell to talk about. So my friend Al, thanks. Thanks for reminding me why I dislike Republicans so much, why I am a feminist, and why at the end of the day I am a Democrat. Oh and the topper ... he was a Mexican-American from a family of 16 kids who are all Democrats, and as he puts it "he was the only one with drive to make money, and I did, and now I don't have a relationship with any of them."

Money and stuff over family, typical Republican. And no, Palin is not the answer for this country!

Am I Out?

This is my hardest post to write. Not because of the content but because of the reaction. I think the fear of the unknown is the worst kind of fear. But I am just going to write and get it out of my head and move on with my life. I am smiling and calm (which I am totally surprised about) about the following words and I have Courage...

Hours.
We were down to hours.
After I had waited almost 3 years. And these hours were the hardest. I analyzed every move. I wasn't sure if it was real. I just kept talking, trying to figure it all out. And then I realized I couldn't figure it out in one night and I had to find out if what I felt was real or just something I was missing. And then out of nowhere I did it.

I kissed her.
And it was right and beautiful and soft.

We often talk about that night and how hard it was for me. She says it was a beautiful thing to watch but I disagree, I think I sounded ridiculous. She never pushed, she never gave an opinion about my situation, she just listened and that was amazing to me. I would ask, what should I do? And she would just smile and tell me I had to figure it out, she couldn't influence my decision. So after many months I am happy to say I have figured it out.

This was not something either of us were looking for. I never wanted to fall in love with the biggest, out, activist, lesbian in Mississippi and she wasn't looking for love with a married woman with two kids from Massachusetts who, oh yeah, was straight. But it happened. And I am not scared anymore to say it.

So am I a lesbian? Well, I don't know. I have come to hate the labels we need to put on people. I love both men and women and I find them both attractive. But I have chosen to be with her, completely, because she is the one I can't wait to hear from at the end of the day. Y'all can put me in whatever category you want, just not bi-sexual please. Eric asked if I was coming out today and I answered no because I was never in. I am just me. A woman who loves another woman. And that is beautiful. And I am lucky to have it.

This is a hard thing for everyone. I am not jumping in with both feet and eyes closed. My eyes are open. I see a future and it is with her and the kids. Will it work? Well, I have no idea. I don't think anyone ever knows if anything will work forever, because forever is impossible. But I am going to give it a chance with my whole heart. I am not running from it anymore.

I don't know how everyone will react to this. I can't wonder or be concerned. I have received a high-five in the middle of a cafe and a "I can see that" when I have told some friends. I have only received one shocked/stunned face and that was pretty funny. The judgment and the gossip and the drama that can and probably will swirl around this is about you, not her and I. The truth is amazing and I am finally embracing it.

This journey I am on is not over nor is this chapter complete. I will still have many firsts and questions and battles inside of my head. I haven't figured it all out. I haven't ever been to a gay bar. I haven't been judged because I was kissing a woman. I don't know how to do this. But I do know that somewhere along this path I fell in love with her, and I am happy with her, and she is standing beside me, helping me figure all of this out. We are fortunate to have this and each other.

I never thought this would be my path.
Choice is powerful except when you don't have it.
Love just happens and I am blessed to have had it twice.
And I am at peace and calm because my inner fight has stopped.

Divorce is not Leprosy

I have spent the last decade with my husband and it is coming to an end. After many memories and dreams completed, it, our marriage, is over. And it is, and it will be ok, really.

In early November I told Eric I wanted a divorce. I never asked. It hit him hard and he was not expecting it. I on the other hand had known about this choice for over a year. I had wrestled with it, I had debated it, I had pros and cons it, I had tried it on for size, I had thought of the kids. And I realized that a happy and healthy me was more important than an it.

This did not come out of left field, just for the record. We had been in therapy for years trying to work on our issues and it just never got better. I will go into some of the issues in later posts. But somewhere along our path we got caught up in the day-to-day and forgot to smile and be happy. We lost the spark and it was replaced with resentment. It became about enough money to get stuff, work all the time, childcare, everything but us.

I had made this choice the night before I found out I was pregnant with Bobby. We had a bad fight, which we were doing pretty often at that time, and I walked for hours to the beach and around the neighborhood. And I realized I no longer was in love with Eric, I was no longer happy with the life we had created. I needed to find the real me and the simple life I so craved. And when I really asked myself what I wanted, Eric was no longer in the role as my partner.

So, we are getting divorced. The sad part is not our lives separating, it is not the kids having two homes, the sad part is we now get to join the divorce statistic - one thing I said I would never do. We have made a commitment to each other to do this divorce the "right" way. We no longer fight, we no longer argue, we talk, we negotiate, we remember the good times because we want our kids to feel the amazing love we have for them and we realize that this is over. And if anyone can do a divorce the "right" way, we can. As our mediator said ... you two work really well together. And we can.

The interesting thing to me is the response from people. Everyone gets so sad and surprised. I'm not sorry this is happening, I am happy. Yes, we seemed like the perfect couple but you obviously never got me drunk and asked me about it. Eric and I are very good at the politics of a relationship and looks are not everything. I have told many people personally and have gotten one reaction that I never expected ... Congratulations. Thank you and I smiled.

Divorce is not leprosy, you can't catch it. We just happen to be the first ones from our bubble of friends to get divorced. Many people get divorced between 7-10 years or 20-25 years. I just chose to get it over with now and be happy with my life than wait until the kids were gone. I want my kids to see me laugh, I want them to experience all aspects of life, I want them to know us without yelling and arguing. I know that my kids will be loved by four parents not just two, and how awesome is that! Eric has always said that I have driven this family on the path and he trusts that the future will hold what I say it does, because he trusts me.

I have now started looking for his new wife because he deserves that and I want that for him. And plus who wouldn't want a cool ex-wife hanging around like me? If you are interested shoot me an e-mail and I can hook you up. (Eric, BTW, is smiling as he reads this because we have talked and joked about this and he does have the hots for one of my friends and I know who.)

I will always love Eric, I just will. We have two beautiful kids that we both adore and we are good parents. I have grown and accomplished so much with him by my side, things I might not have been able to do on my own. He is a kind man and I was lucky to have him be the father of my kids. Somewhere along this path I fell out of love with him and my life path changed.

And that is ok and we will be ok.
I can see a future where I am happy with the kids.
Divorce is something that happens to an it, and it is sad to be ending.
But I am smiling and peaceful ... finally I am beginning to breathe.

Mom-in-Chief

I am resigning my current position.
Not for lack of trying or love or the little joy I get out of it.
But I can't cut it as a Mom-in-Chief anymore.

Let me start by saying ... I love my kids. I think almost every parent does. And it is the thing to say. Rarely do people talk in the negative about their kids, unless they are joking. I wanted my kids, both of them. I chose to have them and they do bring me many smiles and joy and unconditional love.

I am not, however, the mom who takes joy in baking cookies and running the PTA or thinking of healthy snacks and coming up with creative activities for the kids. I am the mom who asks ... what do you need and how much will it cost me? I am the mom who pushes through a policy change in front of the entire city. I am the mom who loves meetings, with adults and coffee, not apple juice and graham crackers. I am the mom who would rather order out than cook for the fifth time this week. I am a typical mother.

So, I have begun looking for work. And am happy to say that after sending out five resumes I have or will have an interview at four of those places. Not too bad. My fingers are crossed that I can be working in a month. I need to work and I love working. I am good at what I do and I know that, now. I am not ashamed that I have been home with the kids for almost 18 months. I am proud that I tried it and lucky to have had that chance.

I have figured out that "flex-time" is not a bad thing. In fact if you give it to an employee they will give you more work. I have also realized that home by 5 or 5:30 is important to have quality time with my kids (and cook when I want to). I realized that any employer who shies away from hiring a women because she has kids is flat-out wrong. Mothers bring an amazing knowledge base to the organization.

You can't put into words during an interview what it takes to raise kids and run a house. Because it is not valued in this society. Multi-tasking, calm under pressure, triage, creative, time management, organization ... all requirements as a Mom-in-Chief. But how do we as mothers sell this to a prospective employer? How do we say it was more than dirty diapers and story-time? It is a full-time, 24/7, back-breaking, mind-numbing, the fate of future generations in your hands kinda job.

And I quit!

And I am smiling. And my kids will be happier. I know crazy right? If any of you have ever met my kids they are a little intense and active and constantly moving. Carolyn can't wait for me to go back to work and asks daily if I got that job yet. Thanks! She would love to hang with other kids and play and have creative things to do until I got home. She, from age 2, thrived in daycare. Kindergarten was a breeze with only having to be there for 6 hours instead of the 9 she was used to. And Bobby is the same way, loves daycare and loves being with the kids. I swear they are future politicians or lawyers or actors.

I have hated being at home. The amount of work is amazing. If I was going to stay in this position I would  need a nanny and a housekeeper just to keep my sanity. And it is isolating. There is no other adults to talk to. I mean how many mothers watch the State of the State address and assess the Governor's chances of re-election? So as you can imagine I am pretty alone. And I hate it and I resent my husband for it and it has not been good for a while. I chose to try this and I am happy I did, but this stay-at-home mother thing is awful! You are alone and have the weight of the family on your shoulders. And it is overwhelming.

I am and will be a better mother when I am working. I will cherish them more, I will love them more and I won't get annoyed by them so easily. And they will be better kids because of my work. And I am not ashamed to say this because it is true, I suck as a Mom-in-Chief. Hats off to all those moms who make it work, maybe we will get you paid for the hardest job EVER one day. I wonder how you are doing it, everyday, with a smile? Are you using mind-altering drugs or just drinking at noon?

So, no more sleeping in. No more nasty sweat pants. No more pony-tails for my hair style. No more morning TV. No more ... this was nice but let's get back to living and changing the world!

Courage

Well, what a month. I have missed this. I have missed spending a few moments everyday writing, thinking through my life and my reactions. But I needed this break. I needed the time to sort out some major things in my personal life. Now, I am looking forward to starting this again. Starting off fresh in a new year.

Happy 2010.
That year looks so cool to me and I am still getting used to writing it.

I was reminded last week about my nickname in high school ... Courage. There is nothing like getting a Facebook message from an old friend with COURAGE in all caps and a bunch of exclamation points after it. It took me back to the time when I thought I was invincible, when I had all the Courage in world to be me and not be sorry for who I was.

That is what I am going to think of this week. I am going to try to have that Courage with me all week.

During the past month I have come to the conclusion about many things. Things I will talk about over the next week on this blog. Because, I realized, this blog is for me, not you (although I love all of you reading it). I have been called many things on this blog, many things that are not true, many things that have hurt because I am just a regular person. But I am and will keep writing because it is important to me. I am still going to have my opinions about everything and many things we won't agree on but this is for me.

I am still here, I am happy and I can see a peaceful future for myself and my kids.

I have stopped many of my external activities over the last few months. No more PTA, no more starting my own business, no more questioning the feminist movement, and a huge step back from NOW. Why? Why would I stop my over-achieving self from all these groups? Because at the end of the day they did not make me happy. They did not bring the change I believe in. And when I really stopped, I realized I have been pushing myself for years and I was tired and burnt out and these groups were creating anxiety in me.

So, 2010.
A new start.
A time to take care of me and my kids. A time to be honest and true and have Courage. A time to re-evaluate my activism. A time to enjoy the sun and smile. A time to slow the pace down just a bit.

If you want to join me on this journey, please do, I welcome all of you. This week my life will become open. I am pulling the curtain back and it is a scary thing - just ask the wizard. It is something all of us try not to do because perfection or the look of perfection is what is expected in this society. I will look to you all to help me through this week because at the end of the day we are all in this together, one community, helping not hurting each other.