Soap Box

Generations

Maybe we were sold a lie.
Or maybe we just believed it.
We thought if we could just hold on long enough it would happen.

That fairy tale from all our previous generations ...
The one that they all wanted ... or were told they did.

But I am starting to realize there are many women from my generation that are not happy. The amount of e-mails I continue to get from women, my age, who are no longer in love with their husbands is amazing. That doesn't mean they don't love their husbands, most still do, but there is this disconnect between them. A wanting of more. A waking up to the reality they are in.

Many have thanked me for writing, for being open and honest, for having the courage to move forward with my life. Most of the women I have heard from have told me they won't leave their husbands. And I smile at that answer. Who would want to stay with someone you are no longer "in" love with? We only get this chance once to be happy and alive or should I say we only remember this time around once.

And I bet if you really wanted to change you could too.
Baby steps.
Find one thing that gives you peace and make it happen ...
the rest will unfold naturally.

Didn't we learn from the women from the 50's who stayed in these passionless marriages. Or was it the women of the 60's who showed us how we should speak up for what we want but when we don't get it just start drinking by noon. Or the women of the 70's who started climbing that working ladder for the first time and we as kids, began to eat TV dinners. Or the women of the 80's who showed us divorce was the way for change. And those women of the 90's who started selling that work/life balance dream (more on that facade later).

But we are women of today ... my generation.

Women who never wanted to get divorced because we saw it firsthand. Women who work outside of the home and yet, still do most of the housework. Women who thought they would only love once and wasn't he the greatest partner, ever? Women who tried to accomplish everything just right. Women who are harder on ourselves then anyone else. Women who are powerful and loving and sexy and giving to everyone else except ourselves. Women who are an amazing combination of the 50's and 70's. Women of the 00's ... you never cease to intrigue me.

So, I will take my place in this generation. I will continue to write about my personal process because sometimes it is the best thing to know you are not alone. I am feeling it too. I find peace here when I write. It is my process. And I am only one voice from this generation. One person's perspective. One woman making her way through this messy life. I carry the burdens and the triumphs of the previous generations with me and maybe, if we are lucky, I will figure out life a little more for my daughter.

Because the next generation should be better then ours.

Blue Laws

I miss all of Massachusetts' old Blue Laws. OK, maybe not the buying alcohol one as much but I miss the day of rest. I think it is something we should check out again. In this 24/7 world I have been wondering where is our day of rest?

Yesterday was a day of non-rest for me. And it all started with the computer. Anyone who sends an e-mail, de-friends or comments on Facebook after 10pm on a Saturday night is obviously drinking. I was not (unfortunately), I was in bed with the kids on Saturday night. But on Sunday morning ... WHAM! I can't wake up like that anymore without coffee. It could and can all wait until Monday morning when I am already crabby.

So, I started thinking about Sundays when I was a kid. I was up early and dressed and arguing all for the sake of church. Every Sunday ... without fail ... church. Then we went home and did nothing too major. No shopping, no errands, no "to do" lists because nothing was open. I remember when they started opening stores on Sunday from 12-5 and what a huge deal that was. Then we stopped hanging out around the house and started trying to accomplish tasks on Sunday.

And just like that ... poof ... day of rest ... gone.

I think I am going to institute my own version of Blue Laws. No more computer on Sundays. No Facebook, no e-mails, no twitter, no blog stats, no computer. Yeah, this is going to be hard, but I have to break the 24/7 cycle. Reading, sleeping, puttering around the house, playing a game, taking a walk, movies, brunch, oh the things to do. Mainly reconnecting with myself and my family.

Do you think it will work? Well, probably not this weekend since I have a NOW Board Meeting Webinar to attend ... oh the coffee needed for that! But I am going to do it starting March 6. I will let you know how it is working, this reconnecting, this quiet, this Blue Law. At least I will no longer wake up on Sunday morning and feel the urge to get online ... maybe just roll over and sleep an extra hour ... if only the kids would let me!

To Friend or De-friend?

Facebook keeps suggesting I friend my mother-in-law since we have 8 friends in common and she is new to Facebook. I guess they didn't get the memo. Or maybe they just realize that she and I will be linked forever and why not be friends.

That is what we are going to have to do. My family and Eric's family. We, as the adults, are going to have to figure out how to be friends, if in no other way, than on Facebook. I want my kids to have a great relationship with their extended family and that means that one day we, adults, will have to be in the same space and not start a fight. Something we have a hard time doing now (going back to the infamous fight at The Fours in May of 2008).

But the differences we will need to overcome are pretty huge. The second my father-in-law heard about the divorce he de-friended me on Facebook and he blocked me so I can't see his comments or anything on Facebook. He also blocked me from following him on Twitter. *But the kicker is he also de-friended my father on Facebook. Yeah, because my 68 year-old dad is a threat.* (That last statement was incorrect, my dad just corrected me 2/21/10. My father and my father-in-law are still friends on Facebook. Sorry about that.) It's ok and really I just laugh at this. Now I have to get my Chicago sports updates online instead of from him (oh and the weather too). This is the level I have dealt with. Just as an example, my dad is still friends with Eric on Facebook and he comments regularly on Eric's activities with the kids.

Christmas was an interesting time here and I got to see the real difference between our families. Something I had known for awhile was proven correct. My aunts and uncles sent cards and gifts to both of us. They addressed things to both of us because Eric and I are still married and we still live together and he will always be part of their family. Obviously, Eric's extended family did not. It was like I died and nobody ever spoke of her again ... And that hurt. Because I like his extended family and I always thought of them and sent cards and called and tried. But there is the difference, loud and clear.

Interestingly, one of Eric's cousins friended me on Facebook the other day. I know she got the memo. But maybe there is hope that we can all get along. I will always be his ex-wife, I will always be in those photos from the weddings, I will always be Carolyn and Bobby's mother. You can't de-friend or not address me out of your lives. Even though at times I know we both would like to.

The fact is: We never got along. We never were what the other one wanted or needed. We, from the time I moved in with Eric out-of-wedlock, never respected each other. We never understood where the other was coming from. But now we have another chance to work together and be adults, something that will be hard. I know that Eric and I are the best parents for our children. And you need to accept that. And please put the feelings of your grand-children before your anger towards me.

I am going to take the first step in being an adult and an ex-wife.
I am going to friend my mother-in-law.
Another chapter is starting.

$308,000

I have been trying to figure out a formula to pay those that work the hardest job. There must be something out there that factors in experience, overtime, multi-tasking and mileage (on your car, not you). And one quick Google search later I found this site. So city of Quincy, I'll be nice and round it for you, but where's my $138,000 dollars for services rendered in 2009.

No worries, I'm not holding my breath.

But it got me thinking. And thinking about the highest office ... President. And what do we pay our leader, a whopping $400,0000. OK, public service, and giving to our country and blah blah. It is not enough. But what are we paying the top woman in our country?
Right ... nothing.
The self proclaimed Mom-in-Chief gets nothing in monetary value. But she does get judged and critiqued by the public, what more could she want? She got evaluated on her first year, she got criticized by many about her arms (and who cares) and she did her best to be mom in the fishbowl. THE hardest job in the country.

What would it look like if we paid the First Lady? I'm all for it. I don't care what political party you are from these women deserve a paycheck for what they do. And they do a lot (yes, even Barbara Bush did, ok maybe not with Katrina cuz last time I checked nobody thought living in the Astrodome was a good thing) every day, all day. And those First Ladies with children do double work.

And it is about time we as a nation acknowledge that. What if we paid her $308,000? You know not 100% of what the President makes but 77% since that is what women make compared to men. I think that is where to start. If we show that we value the work of the First Lady then how can we deny paying women for working at the hardest job? I would vote to pay the First Lady over the "bridge to nowhere." We need to put actions behind our words. And we need to value all jobs in this country, let's start with the hardest one.

Imagine if moms were paid.
Yeah, I know, what a dream ...

Divorce is not Leprosy

I have spent the last decade with my husband and it is coming to an end. After many memories and dreams completed, it, our marriage, is over. And it is, and it will be ok, really.

In early November I told Eric I wanted a divorce. I never asked. It hit him hard and he was not expecting it. I on the other hand had known about this choice for over a year. I had wrestled with it, I had debated it, I had pros and cons it, I had tried it on for size, I had thought of the kids. And I realized that a happy and healthy me was more important than an it.

This did not come out of left field, just for the record. We had been in therapy for years trying to work on our issues and it just never got better. I will go into some of the issues in later posts. But somewhere along our path we got caught up in the day-to-day and forgot to smile and be happy. We lost the spark and it was replaced with resentment. It became about enough money to get stuff, work all the time, childcare, everything but us.

I had made this choice the night before I found out I was pregnant with Bobby. We had a bad fight, which we were doing pretty often at that time, and I walked for hours to the beach and around the neighborhood. And I realized I no longer was in love with Eric, I was no longer happy with the life we had created. I needed to find the real me and the simple life I so craved. And when I really asked myself what I wanted, Eric was no longer in the role as my partner.

So, we are getting divorced. The sad part is not our lives separating, it is not the kids having two homes, the sad part is we now get to join the divorce statistic - one thing I said I would never do. We have made a commitment to each other to do this divorce the "right" way. We no longer fight, we no longer argue, we talk, we negotiate, we remember the good times because we want our kids to feel the amazing love we have for them and we realize that this is over. And if anyone can do a divorce the "right" way, we can. As our mediator said ... you two work really well together. And we can.

The interesting thing to me is the response from people. Everyone gets so sad and surprised. I'm not sorry this is happening, I am happy. Yes, we seemed like the perfect couple but you obviously never got me drunk and asked me about it. Eric and I are very good at the politics of a relationship and looks are not everything. I have told many people personally and have gotten one reaction that I never expected ... Congratulations. Thank you and I smiled.

Divorce is not leprosy, you can't catch it. We just happen to be the first ones from our bubble of friends to get divorced. Many people get divorced between 7-10 years or 20-25 years. I just chose to get it over with now and be happy with my life than wait until the kids were gone. I want my kids to see me laugh, I want them to experience all aspects of life, I want them to know us without yelling and arguing. I know that my kids will be loved by four parents not just two, and how awesome is that! Eric has always said that I have driven this family on the path and he trusts that the future will hold what I say it does, because he trusts me.

I have now started looking for his new wife because he deserves that and I want that for him. And plus who wouldn't want a cool ex-wife hanging around like me? If you are interested shoot me an e-mail and I can hook you up. (Eric, BTW, is smiling as he reads this because we have talked and joked about this and he does have the hots for one of my friends and I know who.)

I will always love Eric, I just will. We have two beautiful kids that we both adore and we are good parents. I have grown and accomplished so much with him by my side, things I might not have been able to do on my own. He is a kind man and I was lucky to have him be the father of my kids. Somewhere along this path I fell out of love with him and my life path changed.

And that is ok and we will be ok.
I can see a future where I am happy with the kids.
Divorce is something that happens to an it, and it is sad to be ending.
But I am smiling and peaceful ... finally I am beginning to breathe.

Mom-in-Chief

I am resigning my current position.
Not for lack of trying or love or the little joy I get out of it.
But I can't cut it as a Mom-in-Chief anymore.

Let me start by saying ... I love my kids. I think almost every parent does. And it is the thing to say. Rarely do people talk in the negative about their kids, unless they are joking. I wanted my kids, both of them. I chose to have them and they do bring me many smiles and joy and unconditional love.

I am not, however, the mom who takes joy in baking cookies and running the PTA or thinking of healthy snacks and coming up with creative activities for the kids. I am the mom who asks ... what do you need and how much will it cost me? I am the mom who pushes through a policy change in front of the entire city. I am the mom who loves meetings, with adults and coffee, not apple juice and graham crackers. I am the mom who would rather order out than cook for the fifth time this week. I am a typical mother.

So, I have begun looking for work. And am happy to say that after sending out five resumes I have or will have an interview at four of those places. Not too bad. My fingers are crossed that I can be working in a month. I need to work and I love working. I am good at what I do and I know that, now. I am not ashamed that I have been home with the kids for almost 18 months. I am proud that I tried it and lucky to have had that chance.

I have figured out that "flex-time" is not a bad thing. In fact if you give it to an employee they will give you more work. I have also realized that home by 5 or 5:30 is important to have quality time with my kids (and cook when I want to). I realized that any employer who shies away from hiring a women because she has kids is flat-out wrong. Mothers bring an amazing knowledge base to the organization.

You can't put into words during an interview what it takes to raise kids and run a house. Because it is not valued in this society. Multi-tasking, calm under pressure, triage, creative, time management, organization ... all requirements as a Mom-in-Chief. But how do we as mothers sell this to a prospective employer? How do we say it was more than dirty diapers and story-time? It is a full-time, 24/7, back-breaking, mind-numbing, the fate of future generations in your hands kinda job.

And I quit!

And I am smiling. And my kids will be happier. I know crazy right? If any of you have ever met my kids they are a little intense and active and constantly moving. Carolyn can't wait for me to go back to work and asks daily if I got that job yet. Thanks! She would love to hang with other kids and play and have creative things to do until I got home. She, from age 2, thrived in daycare. Kindergarten was a breeze with only having to be there for 6 hours instead of the 9 she was used to. And Bobby is the same way, loves daycare and loves being with the kids. I swear they are future politicians or lawyers or actors.

I have hated being at home. The amount of work is amazing. If I was going to stay in this position I would  need a nanny and a housekeeper just to keep my sanity. And it is isolating. There is no other adults to talk to. I mean how many mothers watch the State of the State address and assess the Governor's chances of re-election? So as you can imagine I am pretty alone. And I hate it and I resent my husband for it and it has not been good for a while. I chose to try this and I am happy I did, but this stay-at-home mother thing is awful! You are alone and have the weight of the family on your shoulders. And it is overwhelming.

I am and will be a better mother when I am working. I will cherish them more, I will love them more and I won't get annoyed by them so easily. And they will be better kids because of my work. And I am not ashamed to say this because it is true, I suck as a Mom-in-Chief. Hats off to all those moms who make it work, maybe we will get you paid for the hardest job EVER one day. I wonder how you are doing it, everyday, with a smile? Are you using mind-altering drugs or just drinking at noon?

So, no more sleeping in. No more nasty sweat pants. No more pony-tails for my hair style. No more morning TV. No more ... this was nice but let's get back to living and changing the world!

Courage

Well, what a month. I have missed this. I have missed spending a few moments everyday writing, thinking through my life and my reactions. But I needed this break. I needed the time to sort out some major things in my personal life. Now, I am looking forward to starting this again. Starting off fresh in a new year.

Happy 2010.
That year looks so cool to me and I am still getting used to writing it.

I was reminded last week about my nickname in high school ... Courage. There is nothing like getting a Facebook message from an old friend with COURAGE in all caps and a bunch of exclamation points after it. It took me back to the time when I thought I was invincible, when I had all the Courage in world to be me and not be sorry for who I was.

That is what I am going to think of this week. I am going to try to have that Courage with me all week.

During the past month I have come to the conclusion about many things. Things I will talk about over the next week on this blog. Because, I realized, this blog is for me, not you (although I love all of you reading it). I have been called many things on this blog, many things that are not true, many things that have hurt because I am just a regular person. But I am and will keep writing because it is important to me. I am still going to have my opinions about everything and many things we won't agree on but this is for me.

I am still here, I am happy and I can see a peaceful future for myself and my kids.

I have stopped many of my external activities over the last few months. No more PTA, no more starting my own business, no more questioning the feminist movement, and a huge step back from NOW. Why? Why would I stop my over-achieving self from all these groups? Because at the end of the day they did not make me happy. They did not bring the change I believe in. And when I really stopped, I realized I have been pushing myself for years and I was tired and burnt out and these groups were creating anxiety in me.

So, 2010.
A new start.
A time to take care of me and my kids. A time to be honest and true and have Courage. A time to re-evaluate my activism. A time to enjoy the sun and smile. A time to slow the pace down just a bit.

If you want to join me on this journey, please do, I welcome all of you. This week my life will become open. I am pulling the curtain back and it is a scary thing - just ask the wizard. It is something all of us try not to do because perfection or the look of perfection is what is expected in this society. I will look to you all to help me through this week because at the end of the day we are all in this together, one community, helping not hurting each other.

Bye-bye 2009

I guess those silly glasses can finally go. You know the ones where the zeros frame your eyes. I am done with the zeros. This decade has been a ride, one that I would take again with the instruction manual.

I remember I used to say if I can just get to July (2002) everything will settle down and there will be time to enjoy life. Well, I never took that time. I got pregnant in August (2002) and life has never had a dull moment since then.

Usually I spend New Year's Eve making goals and plans for the next year, five years and ten years. But this year I will spend it saying good bye to all the baggage and crap I learned in the last decade. Tonight is not about pushing myself to the breaking point for the next five years, it is not about making the most money or having the best house, it is about saying good bye to all the perfect that never was. Good bye to the competition of life. Good bye to this decade.

I know I am not alone in wanting this year over. Let alone wanting this decade over. It has been one of the hardest times I have ever seen on my friends, my family, people I don't even know. It has taken it's toll and we (I hope) are going to be better for it.

I am starting fresh next year. And my focus is simple ... happy. I am going to go back to the things I love - like working and watching good TV and making my kids laugh. I am going to take the time to breathe and dance and sing and smile. I am going to take joy in the little things. I am going to remember to laugh and cry with my friends.

I am reminded of the way Carolyn acts towards others in this world. It is simple and real. It is through the eyes of a child, where we, all of us, are the same. I will tell myself this story over and over for the next year to bring me back to reality of what life should be about.

About three years ago I brought Carolyn to Northampton to hang out with my birth-mother and have some girl fun. She picked out some magnets for her dad (Father's Day was around the corner) that she was so proud of. As we were walking along the street she stopped to show this guy her magnets that she picked out. He was a homeless guy. And she made his day. He smiled and told her how much her dad was going to love them. There was no judgment by anyone, there was no holding her back, there was no scolding that she was talking to a homeless man, there was no fear.

And she just beamed.
And he just laughed.

And that is what life is about. Bringing joy and happiness to everyone, no matter if they have a mansion or cottage or shelter. Making a difference, for the better, in this world starts with a smile and a helping hand. One that a child gives so freely and with pure love.

May a smile cross your face this year and may you pass it along to someone who needs it. And may you find the happiness your heart desires because we only get the chance to do this once. Sometimes we take that for granted. Happy 2010 to all of you.

Christmas: Together Through Death

In three days it will be 15 years.
Fifteen years since I have been with my mother on Christmas.
Fifteen years of Christmas joy that really never came.

My mother died on Christmas at around eight o'clock in the evening. After she tried to hold on to make it through the day. See her mother died on Christmas Eve, when she was 13, and she never really found the joy in Christmas again. And as any good mother, she tried to spare that for me. But she couldn't hold on for the extra four hours.

So when you ask me why I sleep so much or don't listen to the radio or am not in the Christmas spirit, that is why. I do have the spirit, it is just different, it is one of memories. And I cherish every one. I would not change my path because I got to share the first 20 years of my life with my mother and because of her death my life was placed on this path, a path I treasure.

My mother was an amazing women.
I am not going to go into every aspect of her life that touched so many. Just know, on that cold day after Christmas, the church was packed as we all said our last good-byes.

So what is Christmas about? Really in 2009, what is it about? It is not a celebration of Jesus' birth because he was born in March. It is not to help your neighbor because I bet you have spent more on gifts than volunteering your time this year. It should be about family, and therein lies my problem. There are so many in this country that have forgotten that. Greed, "Christian Values", over indulgent parties. If it really was about celebrating Jesus' birthday, as many claim, they would be tolerant and excepting of all people in this world and giving of their money and time to help those less fortunate.

I tolerate Christmas. It is better these days with the addition of Carolyn six years ago and Bobby this year. It is about them now. It is about the joy in their faces. It is about lighting a candle to remember my mom and talk about her to the kids so she can live in their memories. It is about family again. Not the gifts, not the clean house, not the over the top. Just simple and basic. Santa brings some gifts, we make cookies, and we get to spend it with the people we love.

Happy 15 years mom. You are missed everyday. 

And if you have a mother out there, call her, just to say hi - nothing more. Once she is gone you are never the same, trust me. So remember this year it is the simple things in life that mean the most. A call, a helping hand with the snow, a smile when you pass them on the street begging for change. We are in this together, this life thing, and sometimes it takes death to remind us.

The Hometown "New"spaper

I don't live in the town where I grew up. In fact, I live about 103 miles from Agawam, Mass. Which I bet, when compared to my other classmates from '92, is pretty close. But I don't get the Agawam Advertiser at home weekly like I used to.

I loved my hometown paper. I would cut things out and save them in photo albums... photos, important articles about high school, sports events ... I had boxes of them in my parents' basement. They got damp and were tossed in the big move years ago. But I still remember going through the paper every week, my hands black from the ink, and reading about everything happening in my life and the lives of my friends. It was my source to find out the news.

I assume only a handful of my classmates still live in Agawam, many live in the surrounding 'burbs so they see each other more. I have not seen a high school classmate in at least a decade - and I can't even think of who that might have been. I miss many of them because ... I loved high school.

And then came Facebook, and I am instantly connected again, with friends from all parts of my life.

The other day a status update took me by surprise. One of my friend's, brother posted that his other sister, Lisa Uneegar, had died. I was shocked. She was 17 days younger than me and she was dead? I thought this could not be. But it was. And then I realized I would have never known if it weren't for Facebook.

Facebook is our new hometown paper. No more reading the marriage, birth or death announcements in your local paper like our parents did. No more getting the police blotter in the paper. No more starting our days quietly reading the local events over coffee. We get all this plus pictures and links to articles on Facebook everyday, instantly. And I am thankful for it.

People no longer stay in their hometown and raise the next generation. We move, we explore we find a new town and settle in. But all of us still want to be connected to our past, in some form. And Facebook gives us that. Facebook tells us when someone we know goes into labor, when a tooth is lost and when a divorce is happening. Facebook is our way of staying in contact with our friends we have made along the way.

I wish I had not seen that status update because she was a very sweet person and had more to offer this world. I still remember her laugh and they way the three of them used to fight. But I am thankful that I was friends with her brother on Facebook so I was able to read about her passing.

No matter what we call our daily update on Facebook, it is not an addiction, it is not something that takes time away from our families, it is our hometown paper. The place we check out daily to see what is happening in our friends' world. It is the place where we can be a community ... even though we can't touch each other, we offer support, we give advise, we congratulate each other on our accomplishments. We have created our own spheres of community, people who are there for each of us.
Just like our hometown community.

Maternal Worrying

Like every good mother, I worry.
I try not to worry to much, but sometimes it gets the better of me.

Today we went for Bobby's 6 month check-up. And to my surprise he had only gained about 2 pounds, putting him at 18 pounds and in the 60th percentile for weight. I immediately said "how could he lose weight?" Not rational, I understand. But my kids have always been in the 95th percentile for weight. So I was worried.

Obviously, Bobby had not lost weight he just did not gain as much as I thought he would have. See when Carolyn was 6 months old she weighed 19 pounds and she was a pound lighter at birth compared to him. Mothers worry ... it comes with the hormones of pregnancy and never leaves, and I wondered what was wrong with him? Was I doing something wrong, should I offer him more food, should I try a different formula? All questions racing through my head.

And then entered Dr. Vonnegut, who I swear is the best pediatrician around. He exclaimed that Bobby looked so healthy and had the right amount of body fat and if he had to worry about Bobby's weight than what would he do for all those other kids who were in the lower percentiles?

Rational. And that is Dr. Vonnegut. Calm. No need to worry, no need to change anything, just continue to be the mother I was. We talked about autism and the fears around that and shots. His thought, if a baby can make eye contact with you and be engaged with you then that baby does not have autism. Simple. We talked about over-parenting and the changes in parenting style. His thought, let your kids be kids and they will strive. Simple. We talked about the age gap with my kids (6 years) and he reminded me that his kids had a 22 year difference, (after he did the math) and that parenting is not all that different from years ago. Simple.

So my fears of Bobby's weight have subsided, I am confident as a mother. I may not be the best but I don't think any mother is, even my own. Mothers are unique and we make mistakes and that is the beauty of it. It is so great to do this again, this mom thing, and realize that the world will continue to turn even if we are only in the 60th percentile. Bobby will gain weight when he needs to and I will continue to feed him and life will go on with a new milestone achieved everyday.

Turkey Tip

Today marks the beginning of my Thanksgiving Day prep.
So I will keep this short!

I love Thanksgiving, love it! I love it because it was, of course, started in Massachusetts. You can all thank me later for this federal holiday. I love being here and cooking for everyone and setting the table (which I will do this afternoon) and having a New England meal.

I have spent my Thanksgiving in many places - Alabama, North Carolina, Illinois and none of them compare to being in Massachusetts and having the perfect dinner. And yes, I meant to say perfect! I think everywhere else they have jell-o with fruit in it ... uck! I remember being so upset after many Thanksgivings elsewhere - where was the squash, the green beans, the relish trays? You don't have those on your table ... your not from New England!

Today I prep ... table set, make the brine, clean the house, label the bowls with the proper food item,  and of course set the cooking schedule.

My one tip for the best turkey in the world ... brine it! It is so easy. Soak the turkey in brine the night before, put it in a 500 degree oven for 30 minutes on Thanksgiving then turn the heat down to 350 for about an hour and a half. No basting, no opening the oven door, no worrying! My favorite brine recipe is from Alton Brown.

Simple ...
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Here's hoping all your tables are filled with laughter.

Gray and Thankful

It has been another long spell of no writing. In fact it got so bad that my friends started calling and sending e-mails to make sure I had not fallen off the earth. I have not. I have been dealing with some personal issues that will unfold on here over time and I have been sick. Not the flu sick but with this really bad cold sick.

I'm back. At almost 100%.
And I am still smiling.

This is the week we are to give thanks for all the wonderful things in our lives. Funny how we feel compelled to do this once a year and forget about all the great and wonderful things in our lives the other 51 weeks. I bet some people out there wake every morning and are thankful for some piece of their lives. That might be a good thing for all of us to do. At least we could start the day with a smile.

I am, of course, thankful for my kids. They are healthy and smart and beautiful and I can't imagine my world without them. They drive me crazy as any good child is supposed to and yet my love for them is unconditional.

I am not thankful for shopping on Black Friday.

I wonder how many crazy, over tired people will be hurt or worse, killed on Friday? Stores have extra security, extra help to control the crowd. What? For shopping? Isn't that what got us all into this mess? That should be the way to control the crowd, if you can't pay by cash then you can't come out and shop. No credit cards. That would be funny. And I would pay to watch that.

I have never shopped on Black Friday. Ever. And I don't plan on it. We all have enough stuff and trust me my dad does not need any more books or sweaters or socks (well maybe the socks). We as a society value things more than being with family and friends. I would rather save the money I would spend on gifts and go to Europe with my dad and the kids. But that is not the norm. Maybe I should get everyone on my list Palin's new book ... ha, that would go over well.

I will shop this year, mostly on-line since I hate the stores, for the kids and for the people I love. But I will not go overboard like many do with the plastic crap and the jogging sets and the cheap home items. I love Carolyn's face on Christmas morning and now we get to watch Bobby delight in the colorful gifts. My goal this holiday season is to keep it simple. That is my mantra for the next year.

So another year passes and many have not learned their consumer lesson. One day it will hit home. One day all of us will be thankful for the little things again. One day being with the people you love will be enough to fill that consumer hole in our bodies.

It is a gray day in New England and I am thankful that the pilgrims landed in the best state of our union, Massachusetts. Simple.

The Visit

Every family gets this visit at some point.
And this weekend it was our turn.

Carolyn's Poppy left us on Halloween.

Poppy (or Jay as the rest of the world called him) is my birth-mother's husband and we have never been really sure what he is to me. He was never a step-father, he was more than an uncle and closer than a friend. In the end I would say he was someone who always gave his opinion with kind words, supported all my crazy life choices, and thought I was his daughter.

I guess I lost a father figure.

Jay was a unique man. A man of little words, many actions and larger than life goals. At one point he wanted to build his own airplane (which he would have). He designed and built his house. You need to understand that the level of detail in this house is incredible. He wanted a cooper sink, so he learned how to spin cooper to make it. And we got to hear about the molecules and the machine needed and every step of the process. That was Jay. It took me years to appreciate his knowledge and wisdom and accuracy.

While Jay taught me to appreciate the process he taught Carolyn to be self-confident around tools and machines. Her favorite times with Poppy was in the shop. We would fly and drive all day to get to their house in Oregon and she would pop up out of bed at 6 am to see her Poppy in the shop. And they would spend hours out there. Building, explaining, teaching. You have to understand this shop ... it had real, live, big machines and saws and sharp, pointing tools. Carolyn was safe out there with her Poppy (she was also very dirty but that is more my issue than hers).

I am reminded again that  life is short. I lost my mother at 20 and now my brother will also have that to carry, losing his father at 20. I have made mistakes, we all have, even Jay (vacationing with him always gave way to many family stories) and that is life. But it is how we chose to live our lives that matter. I have stopped regretting things I say or do, I mean them in the moment I am living. Anger, what ifs, standing still, perfection all a waste of time.

When we told Carolyn of Poppy's passing she cried, big tears and then she realized that her little brother would never meet and know and learn from Poppy. She was saddened by this fact of loss. We told her it was her job to tell Bobby all about Poppy and the wonderful man she knew and the way he treated her like she walked on water and the way he thought that every tap of the hammer was the greatest accomplishment she had ever done.

I thank him for reminding me that life is short.
And to live and speak and act like this is your last moment in this life.
No regrets.

Good-bye to our Poppy, you will be missed.
Your stories will be passed along for generations to come.
You have touched us all in ways you will never know and we thank you for all you gave in this life to each of us.